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Decline in Vegemite sales would be “consistent with global warming”
A recent federally funded study has demonstrated that a decline in the consumption of favourite Aussie spread Vegemite, if such a decline ever occurred, would be consistent with global warming.
Climate Scientist Dr Al Armist said, “It’s been well known for many years that consumption of toast is a very good indicator of global temperature. People just don’t eat toast when it’s hot – simple as that. Here in Australia, toast is invariably accompanied by copious amounts of Vegemite, so if sales of Vegemite were ever to decline, it would indicate clearly that Australian temperatures were rising.”
When asked whether such a decline could be a result of other factors, such as people “simply going off it”, Dr Armist replied that their research showed that global warming was the only explanation. “We looked at all the other possible causes, but we discounted all of them for reasons that would be too complex to explain to the general public, or a journalist.”
The study’s results could be applied in other countries, Dr Armist said. “This isn’t just a local phenomenon, but would be repeated globally. You could look at Marmite, Bovril and other salty, yeasty spreads elsewhere in the world. They would all act as excellent proxies for global temperature, and would certainly be more reliable than GISS.”
The study, which cost the Australian taxpayer a staggering amount of money, also showed that if Vegemite sales were to increase, that too would be entirely consistent with global warming. Dr Armist concluded, “We haven’t quite worked out why yet. But it’s only a matter of time.”
© any gullible newspaper or website you care to mention.